ENgineering Humor Theoroms

Dilbert's Salary Theorem

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

WRITE IN C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics!

Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

Real Engnieers.

1. Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.

2. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.

3. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.

4. Real Engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.

5. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.

6. Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.

7. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.

8. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.

9. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"

10. Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.

11. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".

12. Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.

13. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.

14. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.

15. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

16. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.

17. Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.)

18. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

Engineers Terminologies:

A number of different approaches are begin Tried	we are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem	we just hired three kids fresh out of college.
Close project coordination	We know who to blame.
Major technological breakthrough	it works ok, but looks very hi-tech.
Customer satisfaction is delivered assured	we are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive	the darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying	we are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned	the only person who understood the thing quit.
It is in the process	it is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
We will look into it forget it!	We have enough problems for now.
Please note and initial	let's spread responsibility for the screw up
Give us the benefit of your thinking	we'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
Give us your interpretation	i can't wait to hear this bs! See me or
Let's discuss	come into my office, i'm lonely.
All new	parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Rugged	too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight	lighter than rugged.
Years of development	one finally worked.
Energy saving	achieved when the power switch is off.
Low maintenance	impossible to fix if broken.